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Things the Lord of the Rings Cast Would Never Say
Aragorn: (looking in mirror) Is that a ZIT?!
Legolas: Owwwwie!! Mommy, I got a booboo!
Boromir: So explain again WHY I would want an all-powerful ring?
Gandalf: Does this hat make my nose look big?
Legolas: Does this bow fade out my eyes?
Gimli: So, who wants to play leapfrog?
Saruman: (for scene after the Seeing Stone gives him orders) Gosh, there's an awful draft in here!
Saruman: I SEE YOU IN MY PAPERWEIGHT!!
Sauron: I said I was sorry!
Aragorn: My main goal in life is to become a homemaker.
Sauron: Now WHERE did I put those DUCKY PAJAMAS?
Pippin (after attacking Urak-Hai) Now that you mention it, Merry, I don't think they're teddy bears.
Merry: Well, it's a little late NOW, Pippin!!
Urak-Hai: (during any battle scene) MOMMY!!!
Elrond: Okay, who took the razor? You KNOW I shave my legs every Wednesday!
Legolas: Eeewwww, blood!
Galadriel: Colgate Total really keeps your teeth white! And it protects from cram residue for twelve hours straight!
Boromir: (with three arrows protruding from chest) So, Aragorn, how do you like my new look?
Boromir: WHO CARES about Gondor?! Who cares about the White City?! I wanna go party with Frodo!
Frodo: I hate you, Sam!
Sam: I hate you, Frodo!
Merry: Oh, nothing, I'm just trying to get in touch with my feminine side.
Pippin: Starting now, I'm on a diet!
Orcs: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb!
Black Riders: Let us leap and frolic!
Merry: (after being captured by the Orcs; singing )I got to admit it's getting better, getting better all the time! (You
know, the Phillips ad song)
Frodo and Sam (in the final scene on their way to Mordor, singing) I've gota lovely bunch of coconuts, deedlee-dee-dee,
there they are a-standing in a row!!
Sauron: (during battle scene) Wait! Stop! I lost my contact!
Gimli: And then Barbie says to Malibu Stacie . . .
Legolas: Who let the dogs out? Who! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Legolas: I'm so cute in my little elf jammies!
Legolas: Really? You mean elves are immortal?
Pippin: I hate beer.
Aragorn: I need a shave.
Aragorn: I'm scared of clowns.
Gandalf: Cocoa Puffs goooooood.
Sauron: Now where did I put my exfoliating, moisturizing, peach-scented bubble bath?
Frodo: (in Mordor) Dangit! We're missing the Superbowl!
Black Rider: Ha! I have pointy shoes and you don't!!
Legolas: What do you mean, I have pointy ears?! Is that some kind of insult?!
Boromir: Getting into Mordor? Pffff! Piece of cake!
Legolas: Oooh! Another waterfall! I can do a Pocahontas dive!!
Elrond: I wanna be a Smurf.
Pippin: Awww, cute little baby orc.
Gandalf: (in sing-song voice) Pippin's an idiot! Pippin's an idiot!
Galadriel: Oh, do shut up!
Galadriel: If the quest should fail, absolutely nothing bad would happen to anybody.
Frodo: Hmmmm, maybe I shouldn't offer the ring to everyone I meet.
Frodo: Sam, you can't swim!
Sam: Yes, I can! Oh, wait, you're right. Bye, then!
Legolas: (hops about singing the Pink Panther theme music)
Legolas: (pretends to be asleep (with eyes open, as the Elves do) and notices Frodo staring at him) mmmmmmBOO!!!
Frodo: Aaaack!!
Gandalf: Spiffy!
Gimli: Nifty!
Saruman: What a nifty lil ring.
Saruman: Not now! I'm late for my manicure appointment!
Gandalf: (to Saruman) You big wuss!
Gandalf: Go ahead, these stairs look strong enough.
Aragorn: You know what? Let's just skip the whole quest idea and see if we can't find a Dairy Queen.
Frodo: Maybe I should just give the ring to Gandalf and join the cheerleader squad or something.
Frodo: Happy birthday, Sam! I got you a ring!
Gandalf: (as Saruman is spinning him around on the floor) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Aragorn: Ooh, candy! But (gasps) alas! The ancient Clown Demon guards it!
Gandalf: Have you ever noticed how my eyebrows connect to my hair?
Saruman: What's the point of having an all-powerful ring if I can't even get a date?!
Aragorn: Me-sa Jar-Jar Binks! Who-sa you-sa?
Pippin: I honestly didn't do it.
Bilbo: WAZZUUUUUUP?!
Frodo: (looking into Galadriel's mirror) Is my nose really that big?
Gandalf: (to Pippin) Come closer. I feel like slapping someone.
Legolas: I poke badgers with spoons.
Gandalf: I am the evil CLOWN WIZARD!!
Aragorn: AAAAAAHHH! (Hides behind bush)
Gandalf: (rocking back and forth in fetal position) Need caffeine need caffeine need caffeine. . .
Pippin: (also rocking back and forth in fetal position) Need my Ritalin need my Ritalin need my Ritalin . . .
Legolas: I am an Elven sprite! Yay!
Saruman: (dancing around the Eye) I'll never break your heart...I'll never make you cry...(Backstreet Boys)
Gandalf (gasps) THERE'S CAT FUR ON MY ROBE!!!
Bilbo: Gandalf? Doesn't ring a bell.
Sauron: You know what's a fun word? Yams. Yams yams yams yams yams yams.
Gandalf: (to Gimli) YOU SHALL NOT PA-- Oh, sorry, I thought you were a Balrog.
Aragorn: (after just shaving) I feel so bare and vulnerable.
Pippin: Negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four times a times c over two a.
Pippin: I am so totally antidisestablishmentarianism.
Frodo: (is stabbed) Cheap imitation Mithril!!! (Dies)
Gandalf: (just after leaving the Shire, skipping through sunshine and flowers) I'm off to see the wizard! The wonderful
wizard of Isengard!
Antiques Roadshow Lady: Now this lovely homemade ring here belongs to Mister Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor and terrorizor
of Middle Earth.
Head Urak-Hai: Look, it's not MY fault Saruman forgot to put showers in the Orc dorms!!
Black Riders: (to Frodo) For the last time, just give my my cough drops back and I'll stop chasing you and screeching
like a deranged hyena.
Gimli: Moria? But-but it's dark down there! (Whimpers)
Gimli: They have a cave troll? Pah!
The Fellowship: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (All run)
Aragorn: (is holding an arrow with a rubber ducky on it like a shish kebab) Legolas, what is this?
Legolas: (fidgeting, like a kid in trouble with his parents) It was threatening my cuteness status.
Sign in Bree: Lost: round, gold, size-adjustable ring. If found, please return to Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor.
Boromir: (while out collecting wood, spontaneously drops wood and begins dancing) Let's stay focused on the positive,
cuz POSITIVE'S the way you gotta be!!
Head Urak-Hai: (Singing) The HILLS are ALIVE with the sound of MUUUUSIIIIIIC!!
Legolas: I WHACK you with my pencil of DEATH!!
Gandalf: All right, who took my staff? . . . Frodo--
Aragorn: Why do you mock me so?! (buries face in hands and sobs)
Degree deodorant commercial: (in Moria, the Balrog chasing the Fellowship) When your body heat rises, Degree's action
formula keeps you dry!
Frodo: (after putting on the ring with Boromir chasing him) Oops, I did it again!
Pippin (after Denethor has run in flames from the high tower of Minas Tirith and leaped to his death) Mmm, extra crispy!
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